Nursing school is insanely hard, but I still think motherhood is the hardest thing I've done. It's beautiful and heart stopping and never ending and stressful and lovely. All at the same time. Right now, I can't wear my contacts or makeup for a week because I have pink eye. I have absolutely no recollection of having had pink eye before I had kids. S was actually three before he had it. And now, every time A has any kind of virus, he gets pink eye. If A gets pink eye, so do I. He's such a cuddle-bug that I know when his eye gets glassy and then that characteristic discharge starts, I might as well throw away my contacts immediately.
Pink eye is a huge pain in the ass. Neither of my kids really complains about what it feels like, but as a grown-up? It HURTS. I have it in both eyes and I feel like there's tiny pieces of gravel stuck in each eye. My eyes are sensitive so it is extra crappy to be stuck in glasses and not be able to drive with sunglasses on. And the laundry. Change everyone's pillow cases every night. Wash all the sheets. Wash all the towels immediately. Hand washing, hand washing, hand washing. It will likely be all clear by the weekend, but it is just not my favorite thing at all.
But, last night, A was crying and I went into the boys' room to check on him. He was adjusting himself on his bed and still had his eyes closed. I just leaned over and put one of his four blankets over him, and I saw him relax and breathe deeply.
And that's motherhood to me.
I complain about the frustrating things and I make mistakes all of the time and I have short words when I shouldn't, but then sometimes I get it exactly right. A just needed a blanket, and I knew that, and that's all. It's so small. But if you don't revel in the millions of tiny and small moments, you get lost in the all the hard and frustrating parts.
So, take a minute. Do something small. Smile at how small and how big it is all at once. And try to do it again tomorrow.
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