the one where today sucked

Today has been a basically terrible day. I am rotating through sinus headaches and migraines so I've got one or the other at all times. I'm still using an inhaler because I was physically allergic to the house I was working in as a home health care nurse. I'm tired. Always and forever tired. I talked to my apartment complex manager about an issue I am continuing to have with my neighbors and I'm not in a job situation I would like to be.

I watched Better Call Saul when it was on and I loved it. Breaking Bad was such excellent story telling and Better Call Saul was even better in that regard, I think. Saul was definitely the character that could have an entire show/series based on them but I also love that some of Mike's background has been explored as well. I don't want to give anything away because I think it is worth watching the series if you can, but it basically explains how Saul went from wanting to be an upstanding citizen and good lawyer to being the "criminal" criminal lawyer Jesse convinced Walt to go to when they got into a bind on Breaking Bad. There was a fairly distinct point where Saul asked himself why he was trying so hard to do the right thing when it wasn't getting him anywhere, and away he went down the dark side.

Today is one of those days where I totally get it. I am a good person. I try to do right. I try to be good. I am doing the things I'm supposed to. I handled the neighbor situation the appropriate way (for the most part). I am a good nurse. I followed the appropriate steps in getting myself out of a situation with a client that was going poorly in a few different ways. And here I am. Waiting on my agency to call me with a different client to meet. Frustrated with an apartment manager who basically told me she's not going to do anything. The thing I dislike most in life is feeling stuck. I am a hard worker. I am good at pulling back from a situation and figuring out how to handle it, who to talk to, what to say, what to do. Right now? I'm at the mercy of everyone around me. There isn't anything to do except to wait.

I'm trying to hustle while I wait. I have some career opportunities in process but am waiting for the next step. I'm continuing my education. Right this moment, half of my required classes are highlighted as completed on the sheet I have hanging on my wall. I don't have anything else to show for it today except a stack of very big books and an amazing capacity to run on very little sleep and an extraordinary amount of caffeine.

My oldest son is starting school next week. I yearn for him to be a light. To be one of the kids that stands up for people who need it, to be kind, and to learn and learn and learn. I know he's watching me. He's learning how to be an adult by watching what I do and how I handle things. He's a heart with limbs sometimes. I want him to do right and do good and so in order for that to happen, I have to. I have to be patient and wait when I think yelling and throwing things might make things happen faster. I have to keep trying when the end is just never in sight because someday all the effort will add up to put me in fantastic places.

It just sucks. Sometimes it just does.

the one about theology

K took the boys to church and I stayed home, as all moms sometimes just need to do. They came back, and S had a green construction paper thing he wanted to show me.

me: Oh! A palm frond!

k: How did you know that?!

me: It's Palm Sunday. Jesus rode into town and everyone welcomed him by waving palm fronds like he was a king. Then a week later, they killed him.

k: That's fucked up.

the one about being a lemon dropper

I have a friend who I met a long time ago in California and then kept in touch with for awhile after I moved to Texas and then we just kind of drifted away from talking. After I got married, I got myself a new email account and then was never able to get back into the old one, so there were some people I accidently cut off communication with! Anyway, she commented on someone's FB post one day and I messaged her on the off-chance it was the same person, and it was!

Then, a few months later, she posted a few things about using essential oils. I messaged her for more information. As a nurse, I wholeheartedly believe in medication. But also as a nurse, I wholeheartedly believe there are typically more than one way to treat ailments and they are worth exploring. I had great success with using an oil blend to help with my cedar allergies which was HUGE in my world. My doctor told me to use whatever works--she is a big fan of the least medical intervention possible to get her patients back to healthy which is a big reason why I love her.

I purchased a starter kit and noticed it was setting me up to also sell the oils if I wanted to but there wasn't an obligation to do so. I have done this kind of sales in the past with kind of an overall "eh" experience. I see how you can make enough money to have it be your sole source of income, but I never felt like I could get a straight answer out of the people who had been doing it longer than me about their business strategies or how long it took them to make good money and what "good money" even meant.

But then the oils in the starter kit worked. All of them, for various issues in my household. I found I could combat everyone's allergies at the same time by running the diffuser in the living room. The boys calmed down easier and slept longer when I applied oils to their necks and feet. So many good things and without having to give out medicine like it was candy. I decided to sell the oils to have money to buy more oils.

And that's how I became a Lemon Dropper.

The Lemon Dropper way of things is fantastic, because exactly like this video says, I'm included. I have a great group of support in all things oily (questions about how to get rid of a headache or ways to make a fantastic smelling bath or anything else I can think of plus the business side of things). There's no secretive ploys to get me to buy more inventory. Everyone I've encountered is open and honest with how they have achieved their various successes and genuinely wants anyone who wants to succeed get there, too.

I love it. I love the oils and what they've done and continue to do for my family. I love that I have all of these amazing marketing resources and people to help me build my business. And I love that there's no timeline pressure or anyone bugging me to place another order--I can go exactly how fast I want to go. Which is pretty slow, these days! But even with a slow hustle, I'm making enough money to cover almost everything I order for myself. My Lemon Dropper friends who are hustling quickly? They are making twice the company's average commission statements.

Today is the two year anniversary of the creator of the Lemon Dropper team's start of selling Young Living Oils. I just wanted to share this video she made for everyone. I'm glad to be a part of the team!

You Belong

the one about stubborness being passed right on down

A is pretty picky when it comes to how he's dressed. He likes to choose what he's wearing, even pajamas. Now in my house right now, I will unabashedly admit that we are good at getting the laundry done and horrible at getting it folded and put away. Our washer and dryer are in a nook in the hallway, and all the clean clothes are on the other side of the hallway. K usually folds most everything on his days off, which is fantastic. But sometimes there's more laundry than there is time to fold it and put it away. This is a terrible combination when you put it with a two year old who has it in his head what he wants to wear and can't always say exactly what that is.

Last night, I was getting the boys ready for bed. S does pretty well with a short list. Go potty, get pajamas on, get in bed. I have to say it five hundred times some nights, but he can get himself dressed. A still needs a diaper change and help getting clothes on and off. We are now at the point where he can undress himself most of the way and I am basically holding clothes for him to put on. I got him in pajamas and then he took them off because those weren't the ones he wanted to wear. But it was the only actual set in his drawer. I pulled out the handful of shirts in the dresser and he ended up picking a regular t shirt and a different pair of pajama pants to wear. And then, in true genetic stubbornness and determination and ridiculousness, he insisted on dressing himself with no help.

He is two years old. Not even two and a half yet! I in no way expect him to dress himself. He is getting there and that is just fine! I don't mind helping S get dressed either even. So he got this idea in his head all on his own. I tried to sneakily help him pull his pants up, and he caught me and was just so angry/sad that he couldn't do that on his own that he had big ol tears in his eyes while he tried to get his shirt on. He finally mostly managed it, and then just crawled up into my lap to cry.

I told him he was amazing and that at two, certainly not expected to dress himself. But that he did it and I was so proud of him! And this sweet child of mine, just snuggled into my neck. I just thought of all the times my dad told me it wasn't a bad thing to ask for help as I was growing up. The train of stubbornness continues on down the line. I feel like I literally just learned how to know I need help before the situation completely derails and how to ask for it and receive it. I am 34. Years. Old. I already completed an entire nursing program, and it took two quarters in of the second nursing program to finally get it!

the one about second quarter finally being over

That was easily the hardest quarter I've faced in nursing school yet. I would be a fool to say that it'll be easier from here on out, but I certainly hope that is the case. Nursing school has taught me a lot about myself and how I learn and how to ask for help and how to make sure I'm getting the right kind of help. All super valuable lessons, probably somewhat at the expense of my GPA. Today at the end of going over the last exam of the quarter, I paused to talk to my teacher for just a minute. I have felt like I have been on her nerves most of the quarter and just stopped interacting in class actually. Something compelled me to speak to her today though, and I'm glad I did.

I told her that was probably my worst exam, but I passed and I was happy for that. I told her that this has never happened to me before. I feel as though I could easily walk her through any body system and explain things in a way she would understand, but none of that knowledge is demonstrated by my exams this quarter. She said, "Who cares?! If you know the information, keep building on it. No one ever needs to know your GPA. What's important is that you have a solid knowledge base to keep adding to as you progress."

I'm glad I mentioned it as I was walking out! It was a nice jolt of encouragement. I learned more this quarter than in any other quarter in nursing school. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for my study group! One person coordinated rooms for us to meet in and having those set times helped me so much. Plus, they had ideas I never would have come up with that helped me study so much better. We all had a set of pictures of the microscope slides, diagrams, anything that was on the lab exams especially, to use as flash cards. You can take pictures on your phone, get photo prints wherever, and punch holes in the corner and put them on a key ring and take them with you anywhere you go. You can write directly on them with fine point Sharpies and make notes on the back that way without leaving indents on the pictures. Genius!

It's okay that straight science is not my strong suit. It's still important for me to learn the material as best I can, but it's also important for me to know where I can find that information when I need it. It's okay that I think in pictures and can write papers for days about any topic you give me but am horrible at labeling diagrams of cells from memory. I'm glad to finally know this about myself and embrace it. It's okay to despise a class or subject but still learn it, too. Instead of stubbornly being annoyed, I can stubbornly learn something and pass a class even though I don't want to.

There are times when I want to hit pause on school and work for awhile and come back to it. But I think I'm learning very valuable things about being a nurse by continuing with school right now. When I am working as an RN later and have leadership opportunities, I will know better how to handle them and to help those around me.

This is good stuff. It makes me think of a A League of Their Own. Dottie wants to quit because it all got too hard. And Jimmy tells her, "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."

the one that's a list of stories that shape my universe

A blogger friend did a post like this recently, and I just thought it was the best. She received a writing prompt that asked her to make a list of stories that shape her universe. So, in no particular order, here are some of mine:

1. The time I wrote a letter that put New Kids on the Block on hold for roughly twenty years.

2. My family moved to Italy when I was 9 and my parents instituted a rule about food: You have to try it even if you don't know what it is. After you've tried it, you can ask what it is to either be sure to be able to have it again, or to never eat it again. But you'll only know which list to put it on after you've tried it.

3. My family moved to Japan when I was 14 and continued on with packing up a small ice chest and going driving to see what we could see when we had a weekend day without any plans.

4. My grandparents drank coffee all day every day. My grandmother always told me that on cold days, she drank coffee to warm up and on hot days, she drank coffee to turn her air conditioner on.

5. I've had two friendships in my life come to an abrupt but fairly thorough end. One made me sad because I suddenly realized he had brought absolutely nothing positive into my life despite being my best friend for a few years. And the other made me sad because we actually were fantastic friends and towards the end of our friendship when we had grown too far apart to be able to connect properly anymore, she profoundly hurt my feelings.

6. I expected to deliver S through a C-section because he was laying transverse for so long. When it came time to deliver (which could be its own separate story), it turned out he had gone head down. My instinct was to have the C-section immediately anyway and just have him on the outside. But I agreed to be induced and try for a vaginal delivery, and ultimately had a C-section in the end anyway.

7. The time I had to tell my boss I was pregnant because I didn't make it to the bathroom in time when I bout of morning sickness overtook me and I threw up all over my own shirt. I still have the t-shirt she gave me so I could finish my shift.

8. K and I got to go to a reception honoring both his uncle and our mayor's mother. When we walked in the door, I saw my Congressman and walked right up to him and shook his hand. Such a fantastic moment of starting to find myself again in the midst of mothering two small boys.

9. I had the chance to take the entrance exam to nursing school for free, but only if I took it two days after they told me I could. I called the day before to ask if I could reschedule because I didn't feel as though I was prepared enough to pass. The person on the phone convinced me to just try because it was free, after all. I was the first person who finished, and I cleared the minimum score with quite a large margin.

10. K asked me for my phone number. I was working and he came by on his day off. He told me he had thought of something he wanted to tell me the previous day but realized he didn't have my number. But if I gave it to him, we could avoid it happening again.

11. A's middle name comes from my great-grandfather, who died the summer before he was born. I'm so glad that we chose to name him after my great-grandfather who would have been tickled pink about it. But I wish a little bit that we had used his middle name because then A and I would have the same middle initial the way S and K do.

12. My dad and I took my astronomy text book and drove up as high as we could and stood in the freezing mountain air and found as many constellations as we could find. I was also startled by how many satellites I could easily spot.

13. That afternoon I knew our family was complete. It involved baby clothes and a walk down the hallway to ask K how he felt about just having it be the four of us. Him, me, and two boys.

14. The day during third quarter clinical when I was assigned to observe prenatal sonograms.

15. The first time we went to City Church. Various members of the staff had invited K several times over the years as they stopped in his Starbucks for caffeine and when we decided to go, there were a few people who saw us and were genuinely happy we were there.

16. One of my friends set up a job interview for me at a medical diagnostics office for me and I learned what nurses actually do. Hated the job, love that it got me more secretary experience and medical terminology which many years later meant another friend hiring me at a hospital. Then I went to nursing school. These are all very separate events spread out over at least a decade.

17. I met/really connected with one of the most fantastic friends in my life through Twitter, even though it would have made more sense that we met and connected through church events.

the one where my oldest turned five years old

S turned five! I've been a mama for five whole years. I'm hoping that paycheck starts kicking in soon.

S and A are fantastic brothers to each other. Not perfect, but that's fine. Birthdays are hard because one kid gets a bunch of new toys and the other one doesn't. We have a multi-generational family rule that on the first day, you don't have to share. The rest of the time, we try to make it equitable. Ask the person who the toy belongs to at least. And be willing to trade back for something else if the owner wants to play with it and isn't being a toad about it. Saturday, A was being a toad about it.

S finally got fed up with A running around with all of his new toys and trying to sneak off with them and everything else. He stayed calm though. He asked if maybe we could just take A someplace else for awhile. I asked him where, and he said, "Grandma and Papa's house. To just be a part of their family from now on." At that exact moment, A poked his head around S and practically batted his eyes at me.

I nearly died laughing.

the one about pink eye and blankets

Nursing school is insanely hard, but I still think motherhood is the hardest thing I've done. It's beautiful and heart stopping and never ending and stressful and lovely. All at the same time. Right now, I can't wear my contacts or makeup for a week because I have pink eye. I have absolutely no recollection of having had pink eye before I had kids. S was actually three before he had it. And now, every time A has any kind of virus, he gets pink eye. If A gets pink eye, so do I. He's such a cuddle-bug that I know when his eye gets glassy and then that characteristic discharge starts, I might as well throw away my contacts immediately.

Pink eye is a huge pain in the ass. Neither of my kids really complains about what it feels like, but as a grown-up? It HURTS. I have it in both eyes and I feel like there's tiny pieces of gravel stuck in each eye. My eyes are sensitive so it is extra crappy to be stuck in glasses and not be able to drive with sunglasses on. And the laundry. Change everyone's pillow cases every night. Wash all the sheets. Wash all the towels immediately. Hand washing, hand washing, hand washing. It will likely be all clear by the weekend, but it is just not my favorite thing at all.

But, last night, A was crying and I went into the boys' room to check on him. He was adjusting himself on his bed and still had his eyes closed. I just leaned over and put one of his four blankets over him, and I saw him relax and breathe deeply.

And that's motherhood to me.

I complain about the frustrating things and I make mistakes all of the time and I have short words when I shouldn't, but then sometimes I get it exactly right. A just needed a blanket, and I knew that, and that's all. It's so small. But if you don't revel in the millions of tiny and small moments, you get lost in the all the hard and frustrating parts.

So, take a minute. Do something small. Smile at how small and how big it is all at once. And try to do it again tomorrow.

the one where i might just be highly inappropriate

I have taught both of my boys the proper anatomical names of their body parts. We talk about who has a penis and who has a vagina. I want them to come to me and K first when they have questions later and I feel like the best way to set this up now is to just be honest and frank when it comes to body parts and questions about body parts. This is not a big deal when we are all at home, but the boys go to daycare now.

One day I picked up S and the afternoon teacher, who is a roughly 20 year old male, told me he needed to talk to me. He was so nervous that it caught me off guard. He said S was a great kid and he was really smart, but he learned a new word that caused some problems. He said it was a name for a female body part and it kind of made it worse that he knew exactly what he was talking about. I finally figured out that he was talking about "vagina" and asked if S was just saying it or if he called someone a vagina. The teacher told me S called him a vagina.

Okay, I don't know how I didn't burst out laughing. I did remain serious though and said I'd talk to S. We stepped out in the hallway and I knelt down and told S that we can't call people body part names. You can't call people vaginas, not because it's a bad word but because we don't call people names. We don't call them penises or butts or anything else. He shrugged and said okay and that was that.

A is now really trying to talk. He's actually got some pretty complete sentences, but you really have to listen to him and pay attention to what's going on to catch everything he's saying. He's now very into naming people who have penises and people who have vaginas. So, you know, round two.

Last night, S was full of questions about when K and I met, where we were, where he was, and then that led to him asking how he got out of my tummy. I said, "Well, this isn't how it happens for everyone, but things got a little complicated and the doctor had to make a cut and pull you out." He was mildly horrified. And then immediately asked what if he had just come out of my mouth. I said that never happens. So of course, his next question was what is the other way that babies get out. I said "When the baby is ready, what usually happens is the doctor helps it come out of the mommy's vagina."

So, pick up time at daycare this week should be super fun!

the one about the time i took the state nursing board exam

I'm officially a nurse. I am currently working, but not anywhere near the medical field. And I'm still in nursing school. I spent a year in an accelerated LVN program, graduated, and had a week off before I started the RN program at the same school. During my first quarter, I also had to take the NCLEX, which is the mean, mean test you have to take after nursing school in order to get your actual license. It's expensive and intimidating and I have yet to meet a single person, from brand new nurses to old and crusty nurses, that walks out of that exam confident that they passed.

I asked my husband to take the day of my exam off because I knew I would need to go out and do something that was not sitting at home waiting for the exam results. We went to a place that has excellent chips, queso, and margaritas. I had two margaritas and not very much chips and queso. And then I started feeling a little better. As we were walking to the car, we ran into someone K knew but hadn't seen in a long time. We were standing there talking and he was telling this long rambling story that didn't even have a point at the end. He laughed and apologized, saying that he had been drinking for several hours. I told him it was just fine, I took a huge exam and was a little buzzed myself. He asked what the exam was for and I said my nursing license. He paused and said, "I don't know man, I just met you, and I'm drunk, but I'm getting a good vibe off of this situation. I would put money on you passing."

The best part is I was comforted by this.

That, and the alcohol, I think. I relaxed a bit and went over the questions in my head and thought I might have had a pretty good chance at passing. 48 hours later, I got my results. I passed.

the one where i explain the name

Back when Instant Messenger was all the rage, I needed a new user name for some reason or another. I don't remember why StarryEyedFeet popped into my head, but it did and I still love it. I was a booking agent for a hot minute and StarryEyedFeet was going to be the name of my agency when I thought that was something I could do in the long-term. That didn't pan out and it's really okay. But I still want the name for something. A blog is good enough for today!

I have had a blog for ages and ages. Before it was cool. I overshared and was entirely overdramatic about most things. Today, posting thing online is a completely different set of circumstances and it makes me a little nervous to say too much or anything about certain situations. I don't want to hinder my job search before I even really start it! But I miss writing. And sometimes I think I have things to share that others might appreciate. So I'll try it out again here and see how things go.

StarryEyedFeet. I think it means putting actions to your dreams. I don't think dreams need to be practical. It's not very much fun if they are. But you have to takes steps towards making them happen or they never will. I hope I'm always a little starry-eyed about something. And I hope I get better about the follow through.