Today has been a basically terrible day. I am rotating through sinus headaches and migraines so I've got one or the other at all times. I'm still using an inhaler because I was physically allergic to the house I was working in as a home health care nurse. I'm tired. Always and forever tired. I talked to my apartment complex manager about an issue I am continuing to have with my neighbors and I'm not in a job situation I would like to be.
I watched Better Call Saul when it was on and I loved it. Breaking Bad was such excellent story telling and Better Call Saul was even better in that regard, I think. Saul was definitely the character that could have an entire show/series based on them but I also love that some of Mike's background has been explored as well. I don't want to give anything away because I think it is worth watching the series if you can, but it basically explains how Saul went from wanting to be an upstanding citizen and good lawyer to being the "criminal" criminal lawyer Jesse convinced Walt to go to when they got into a bind on Breaking Bad. There was a fairly distinct point where Saul asked himself why he was trying so hard to do the right thing when it wasn't getting him anywhere, and away he went down the dark side.
Today is one of those days where I totally get it. I am a good person. I try to do right. I try to be good. I am doing the things I'm supposed to. I handled the neighbor situation the appropriate way (for the most part). I am a good nurse. I followed the appropriate steps in getting myself out of a situation with a client that was going poorly in a few different ways. And here I am. Waiting on my agency to call me with a different client to meet. Frustrated with an apartment manager who basically told me she's not going to do anything. The thing I dislike most in life is feeling stuck. I am a hard worker. I am good at pulling back from a situation and figuring out how to handle it, who to talk to, what to say, what to do. Right now? I'm at the mercy of everyone around me. There isn't anything to do except to wait.
I'm trying to hustle while I wait. I have some career opportunities in process but am waiting for the next step. I'm continuing my education. Right this moment, half of my required classes are highlighted as completed on the sheet I have hanging on my wall. I don't have anything else to show for it today except a stack of very big books and an amazing capacity to run on very little sleep and an extraordinary amount of caffeine.
My oldest son is starting school next week. I yearn for him to be a light. To be one of the kids that stands up for people who need it, to be kind, and to learn and learn and learn. I know he's watching me. He's learning how to be an adult by watching what I do and how I handle things. He's a heart with limbs sometimes. I want him to do right and do good and so in order for that to happen, I have to. I have to be patient and wait when I think yelling and throwing things might make things happen faster. I have to keep trying when the end is just never in sight because someday all the effort will add up to put me in fantastic places.
It just sucks. Sometimes it just does.
